Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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