Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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