Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
