I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
