Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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