Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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