1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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