I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
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He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
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i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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