Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize