one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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