You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
