What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm passing your future prison.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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