The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
