did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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