You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
