plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
