im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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