Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Your penis caused this!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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