giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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