my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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