Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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