You're my little dorito
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
