I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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