i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
