i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
