I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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