I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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