"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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