my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
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It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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