i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
