whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
