I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
