the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
