i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
