Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
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i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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