i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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