i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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