I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
