I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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