Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
