apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
