They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
