haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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