Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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