I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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