I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
