I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
