I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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