So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Randomize
