If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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