I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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