You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
