Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
