My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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