Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
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also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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