the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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