have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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