we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
