i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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